The Writings on the Wall

Love will come and Love will go. As sure as the seasons will change. Love, can feel like being at the top of a mountain, and falling to the bottom at the same time. The pinnacle of love is the equivalent of a crimson wave. Hopeful, fearless, full of fear.   It feels like you can’t breathe. Surrender is Lesson1 of Love. It does not matter how hard you push him away. You delete his phone number, you burn his things, you rid yourself of every trace of his memory. But when you close your eyes, he is there.   When you close your eyes, the first thing you see are his. And you think about the Love once shared. The truthfulness, the sacred connection. And it eats away at you knowing that he has shared his Love with so many others before you. That he speaks to you of them. He tells you about their stories. And you start to realize that what you thought was special and significant, was just another conversation to him.   You start to realize that he mistakenly put you...

I've been operating in stealth since about April. Silently making moves. Consciously choosing not to speak until I'm ready. Ironically this called in my invitation from Syracuse Toastmasters. Before the pandemic, I was preparing my Public Speaking pursuit. When I realized it wasn't going to happen when I wanted it to, I became depressed. Feeling hopeless, lost, confused. Unfortunately my impatience didn't help this matter. However, finally after weeks, and now months of preparation, my Team and I have come to an agreement on how we are going to move forward, and which projects will be taking the lead for the coming months. Below is a list of projects and hobbies I've worked on that helped me survive, loneliness, depression, and pandemic hopelessness. I hope this resonates with you if you are feeling or have felt similar.  Gardening I planted tomato seeds and put them on my windowsil. It was easy, and I watch them grow everyday, reminding me - just because you can...

 My Parents told me not to play outside,          and I did it anyway My Parents told me not to sing the national-anthem at the high school basketball game,          and I did it anyway My parents told me not to divorce the sorry loser,          and I did it anyway My parents told me not to go to University,          and I did it anyway My parents told me not to start the business,          and I did it anyway My parents told me not to learn to play the instruments,          and I did it anyway My parents told me not to paint the portraits,         and I did it anyway My parents told me not to become a millionaire,           and I did it anyway My parents told me to get the vaccine,          and I didn't   ...

As a Womxn of many talents, I find that it's really challenging for me to pull an idea ball out of the sky and pick one to take action on. Fortunately, after yet another battle with an illness that I can't explain I've had a multitude of time to reflect on what I want during this lifetime. What I truly want. Of course, my first few days all I thought of was how sick and tired I am of remaining single. Then I got mad. It always happens this way for me, misery->rage->new level of enlightenment->blessing. My mission on earth is grand. I've known this for many years, since I was a child really. But, what I never understood - was why am I so attached to Love? True Romance, not the kind where you meet someone and eat turkey sandwiches together and go to basketball games. Get out of here. I'm talking True Love, Rose and Jack.  I have spent countless hours listening to Hymn to the Sea over and over and over again. Crying into my wine glass. Staring aimlessly out my...

Every decision you make could be made from either somewhere in the knee- jerk realm of your unconscious or with the unmitigated, laser-focused precision of the present moment. Yes. Every. Single. Decision. I’m talking about from the pants you choose, to the socks you select, to the choice to sit or stand while putting that stuff on. Yes, you even have the option to greet the mail lady who is delivering yet a certified letter from the Tax Man in full-on, bat-shit rage mode or not. I understand, full-on, bat-shit rage mode doesn’t feel like a choice. But I have learned, or rather with effort, retrained my knowing that I can choose. As I said in my last article (thank you, Community, for your encouragement BTW!), when I have hit my limit of victim thinking that I am at the mercy of assholes, I realize I am not at mercy of anyone! I am only making the choice to listen to the voice of anxiety and not the grounded one of my empowered self. This means that no one, not my boss, not the...

Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back. How? Control the things you can control. M y ex had me going insane. Constantly cancelling on his visitations with our son, cherry picking when he would see him, etc. And people at work kept pinging me asking ‘When.’ I had orders coming in for Amazon because I bought them when I was feeling anxious, but when they got to the house I became even more anxious because I forgot why I bought them. I haven’t made enough time in my day to sit down and go through my to-do list. This makes me crazy. I would end up with a million items on the list, but never mark them complete. I was so anxious at the lake that I couldn’t feel my legs, I collapsed.    There were external factors- the ragweed in the air fucks with my allergies. I only feel this way in September . I feel like I Can’t breathe – I took the Benadryl to...