Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back

Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back. How? Control the things you can control. My ex had me going insane. Constantly cancelling on his visitations with our son, cherry picking when he would see him, etc. And people at work kept pinging me asking ‘When.’ I had orders coming in for Amazon because I bought them when I was feeling anxious, but when they got to the house I became even more anxious because I forgot why I bought them. I haven’t made enough time in my day to sit down and go through my to-do list. This makes me crazy. I would end up with a million items on the list, but never mark them complete. I was so anxious at the lake that I couldn’t feel my legs, I collapsed.  

There were external factors- the ragweed in the air fucks with my allergies. I only feel this way in September. I feel like I Can’t breathe – I took the Benadryl to make it so I could breathe, but it made it so I couldn’t feel my legs. Deep breaths are my GO TO when I feel overwhelmed. And the ragweed temporarily threatened that.  

I’ve had other external factors threaten my peace as well. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that some people are just assholes, self-important, small, assholes; and there is nothing I can do about it. I tried so hard to hold in the anger and rage that would rise in me when I was confronted with suffering fools. Idiots, my ex-husband and his girlfriend would send my then 4 year old son running barefoot from the door of the house to my car, by himself – in order to avoid me. She would turn the porch light off, film me, and lock the door when I started walking to the door myself to pick up my son. Behaving as if I had threatened her in any way - which is not true; and nothing used to be a greater stirrer-of-rage than me knowing things that are untrue; and bad people trying to paint pictures of me that are not reality.  

I am a high-profile businesswoman; I own and operate a company where I mentor professionals in the Cybersecurity Area of Business. I mentor students, of all ages. I teach, I’ve taught and TA’ed many technical courses at Syracuse University and Privately. I show my son what is right, daily, and most importantly, I show him how people are supposed to be treated. So, you can imagine how these people would push that button for me. I finally caved recently and DEMANDED that my ex put my son’s shoes on – when he sent him to the door with his shoes in his hand, barefoot, and said ‘okay bye.’ I admit, yelling at the son-of-a-bitch felt great. But I felt bad, not for him, not for me, but for my son. Because now, I was in full rage mode; and I know he can sense it when mommy is angry. 

It was in this moment that I decided I wasn’t going to continue to subjugate. I consulted with my attorney to see what options I had. Came up with a fool-proof plan, and that alone made me feel better. I am at NO ONE’s Mercy. No one will ever raise me. Especially people whom I consider, small. The anxiety from this situation plus the stress and pressure and demands of my day job were making me feel like I was stuck in a bottle. And it’s not just those things that pushed my anxiety buttons. It was also the fact that my 4-year-old wouldn’t stop climbing on me at home, wouldn’t sit still, wouldn’t stop demanding my attention. I was drowning, and I temporarily forgot how to swim.  

Unfortunately, the Universe tends to shake things up for me when I need to make a change. I found that I felt like I couldn’t breathe in my own house. I couldn’t sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and watch the Kardashians. Even after my son had gone to bed, I would just sit there, scared, confused, wondering if I’ve developed schizophrenia, because for the last 2 months, and especially 2 weeks, all I was capable of was thinking.