He does not Love you

Love will come and Love will go. As sure as the seasons will change. Love, can feel like being at the top of a mountain, and falling to the bottom at the same time. The pinnacle of love is the equivalent of a crimson wave. Hopeful, fearless, full of fear.

 

It feels like you can’t breathe. Surrender is Lesson1 of Love. It does not matter how hard you push him away. You delete his phone number, you burn his things, you rid yourself of every trace of his memory. But when you close your eyes, he is there.

 

When you close your eyes, the first thing you see are his. And you think about the Love once shared. The truthfulness, the sacred connection. And it eats away at you knowing that he has shared his Love with so many others before you. That he speaks to you of them. He tells you about their stories. And you start to realize that what you thought was special and significant, was just another conversation to him.

 

You start to realize that he mistakenly put you in the same category as the others. You realize that this was nothing out of the ordinary for him. That he shared millions of spiritual connections with women far more “broken” than you.

 

You feel like you can’t measure up. Your trauma is real and valid, but you have a life of your own. You have your own thoughts and fears and triumphs. You wake up and you go about your day as if you are a future millionaire. And you feel guilty, for having it all, for doing it all, for not being broken enough.

 

 

And when he doesn’t call, the truth sinks in. You know you can’t change him, and you don’t want to. You know that it’s time to move on and make room for somebody new. But how do you do this when you’re so used to being on your own?

 

You can’t eat, you can’t sleep. You can’t even hear the words “Lovers” being spoken in the film you tried to watch to get your mind off of him. Because it reminds you of what he said to you. Only the term Lovers didn’t apply to you. It applied to her, but not you. You know he won’t speak of you in the future, what would he have to say?

 

He doesn’t care about your business, or poetry, or music, or the instruments you learned to play, or the labs you wrote, the classes you taught, the clients you signed, the deals you won, no, no, you’re not broken enough. What would he speak of if he spoke about you? There is nothing for him to say other than, her skin was soft. You are both aware of this truth. And you let the Love you feel mask the reality.

 

He does not Love you. He cannot fix you. You are not broken enough for him.