The Writings on the Wall

Most days I don't know where to begin, but I embrace it. It is when my mind is still and completely clear that my best thoughts and ideas flow. It is also during those times that I am able to understand the components I question. When something doesn't work, I'll play with it for a little bit - but then I get up, walk away and do something else. Then it comes to me. With allergy season in full effect it is a little bit harder to still my mind, as breathing and bellybutton to spine are the techniques I use to stay calm. I woke up angry today, and I changed my mood on my own. I thought about what I was irritated about. My baby was sick last night, and I was having the hardest time staying strong. It took a lot for me to finally cry. And to literally have a discussion with God and the Universe about why I must face the challenges in my life. Why did I decide to get divorced? Was the grass really greener on the other side? Having to nurture a sick child who is literally spew...

On a quest for true spirituality/sobriety/soul searching. Life has changed. Doing the work is powerful, and reaping the benefits is even better. It is important that I stick to my guns on this one and stay true to myself. I haven't had a drink in 5 days, this is the longest I've gone without since college. My diet and fitness programs are benefiting the most. My work is thriving as well. All things are heading in the right direction, but now is not the time to be cute. It's the time to be committed, consistent.

Literally I cannot wait. I took the step. With both knees having undergone surgery and a will that I cannot seem to suppress. No matter how much cardio or strength I do, nothing compares to the thrill I feel of playing soccer. After literally just trapping and passing at PT, I felt an urge to hurry up and get back out there. I have nothing left to fear. I ran today, for the first time since 2015. It was frightening but after the first step I just slid right into it. I also had a dream about me sliding into a goal a few months ago. Can't wait to get started! I've found my match !  

Discussing the lack of need of validation in any form, how my work is being done even though I don't feel the need to constantly discuss it, a little bit about my first professional vlog post.

Today will be a good day! I read yesterday about how important it is to 'Feed the courage wolf.' Courtesy of Mark Divine's book, Unbeatable Mind . I woke up feeling ACES, then had a coffee thinking I'm a boss and can handle it....lol, no. I drink coffee every morning. But, I've changed my diet and the alcohol and post op drugs are flowing out daily. With that being said I went out with a friend last night and had a few beers, like no big deal right? Haha BIG DEAL IT WAS. I had fun though, kicked ass at darts, then proceeded to get my ass kicked. Also I succumbed to wings and some fried dough. After eating literally nothing but broccoli, eggs, minimal protein, oranges, etc. My body was like hold the hell up sis. But, the good news is that I had fun. Now I understand what they mean when they say 'everything is good in moderation.' Lol random thought but I assume this means I can be a smart ass in moderation too, right? Because I am learning that s...

I was finally able to sleep. Water + Music are my salvation. Who knew there was something better than alcohol. And, I woke up at 10 without a hangover, that's pretty cool. I give last night a 7/10. To get those last 3 points up I would like to sleep through 1-3AM. My favorite song today is ' Perfect Darkness ' by Fink. I looked up the lyrics because it is literally so good at grounding me. "Keep those brown eyes wide open for a for this moment we own for now. And everything we gonna do we do it. See the black clouds fall out of fear Feel it rise up in perfect darkness. Perfect darkness is all I can see. Deep water stay under. See it rolling over you head and just roll with it until it's all good yeah. Deep water a little deeper then you thought feel it going over the edge and just go with it until it's all good yeah. Compass points out in all directions. From this moment we over now . With everything we do we gonna do it . And everything we do...

So in good news there was a New Moon last night! Which perfectly aligns with what I want from the universe going forward. I have everything I need in my life except for one thing, I'm ready to receive it. Better yet, according to a YouTube video I watched yesterday - everything we do 3 days before and 3 days after the New Moon will set the tone for the future. How ironic is it that this falls right within alignment of my Text-Messaging detox. To sum it up, I hate texting, as I mention below. I like this break from it so much that I don't know if I'll ever willingly go back to it. I'm very busy with other things. I realized that freeing myself from my phone/texts actually gives me more time during the day to get shit done and less time to spend freaking out about not having enough time. The texting is a distraction - even if I'm using it to make business plans. I don't know why it's only texting for me, not social media, not email, nothing but texts. Anyway...

I finally slept you guys omg! 10 to 5. I'm so proud of myself. Embracing the storm. Another day down, another panic attack down, another trip to the gym down, another negative thought put away down. My epiphany from yesterday was that I have been through a lot of shit and I have not given myself the time to reflect and feel that. I got to the point that 1000 things piled up and I couldn't handle the stress anymore. The irony is that the problems are all out of my control. My dad getting sick, my 'job' situation, my son growing up, my div orce settling, settling period. I have no control over any of these things, and during the course of my divorce I got very good at suppressing my emotions. Too good honestly, to the point that there were times I knew I was supposed to cry but the warrior in me wouldn't let me. I'm embracing the sadness now. It's nice to know that I'm still human, still a free spirit, still know how to be happy, to smile and laugh. Even...