The Writings on the Wall

 

 

Imagine being alone. Knowing that you are on your own, and nobody is going to help you. Imagine, having a child to raise alone, a hyper active 5 year old boy, who you can never seem to calm down, and for whom you still resent his father for leaving you two alone to deal with life. Imagine, trouble catching your breath when you're standing in your own kitchen, gasping for air as you smear butter on your son's toast, hands shaking, feeling weak at the knees, as if you are going to die, or at least pass out at any second. Your son runs around in the background, yelling playfully, and the more you try to hide what is happening, the more you scare yourself. You try not to think about it, because you know if you acknowledge it - it will get worse. Once again, you find yourself with little income, working just one job because you needed a break from all of the others, and now the company that hired you and took you away from your consulting work, that made big promises to you in excha...

Miraculously, I found myself in the morning, with my work laptop shut. I sent out an email, making it very clear that my availability would be tentative during business hours. My son was sent home for a second time within 1.5 weeks over a Covid exposure. My son is in Kindergarten this year. Therefore, I am responsible for feeding and caring for him, whilst simultaneously helping him complete his schoolwork. All I could think of from day 1 was - how am I going to do all of this? I don't have help at home. I don't have a partner. I don't have a live-in Nanny.  My day job comes with high expectations, which is totally fine with me, but I'm also not afraid to tell them, or anyone - so-do-I. That being said, I chose to send the email, and shut the laptop. Turn off the phone. Protect my mental health, after all, in Corporate America, they will let you go in a heartbeat, they don't care. It's the brutally honest truth. So, why continue to sell ourselves and work like s...

 We can't stop the rain here in Upstate, NY. However, we can adapt to it. I'm learning, if I apply the same mentality that I have all winter, my internal dialogue reads: "this is a time to enjoy the crisp, breathable air," "run through the snow, they made crampons for a reason," "cross country skiing is fun and relaxing at the same time, bring your phone and play your favorite music." I start with these ideas, and then I just go. I put on the coat, and the boots, and the gloves, and I go. Later on, when I come home, I am satisfied and fulfilled.  See, my Native roots keep me close to nature. Right now, as a person who works remote, and runs a business from home, I am finding that getting outside has become essential. That being said, I went for my 5 mile trail run this morning, (after like 5 months, not bragging). After I dropped my son off at school. I didn't just go for a run. It was raining, it was cold, I had a million really great excuses ...

As I sit here with my perfect mocha-colored coffee in my Boss B*tch mug, catching up on emails from the previous week which I've spent networking and leveling up for my new career as a Public Speaker, I can't help but think how sad I am. I thought this would go away, but it feels like something is missing. Still recovering from my breakup, but it's not even about him. It's something deeper. I don't know what it is, and nothing drives me crazier than not knowing something.  I walked my son to school this morning under the golden sun. I noticed how it kissed the green leaves of the trees and bushes. My son asked repeatedly why we had to walk, uninterested in my explanation about how nature heals us and walking is good for the body. I watched the other moms & dads drop off their kids and start their day. Everyone here is kind. Ironically, moving to a small town in the middle of nowhere after growing up in the suburbs, I find that I feel safe here. I really missed h...