Have You Ever Had A Panic Attack?

Imagine being alone. Knowing that you are on your own, and nobody is going to help you. Imagine, having a child to raise alone, a hyper active 5 year old boy, who you can never seem to calm down, and for whom you still resent his father for leaving you two alone to deal with life. Imagine, trouble catching your breath when you're standing in your own kitchen, gasping for air as you smear butter on your son's toast, hands shaking, feeling weak at the knees, as if you are going to die, or at least pass out at any second. Your son runs around in the background, yelling playfully, and the more you try to hide what is happening, the more you scare yourself.

You try not to think about it, because you know if you acknowledge it - it will get worse. Once again, you find yourself with little income, working just one job because you needed a break from all of the others, and now the company that hired you and took you away from your consulting work, that made big promises to you in exchange for your soul, might be putting you on unpaid leave for the month of December - right before Christmas. Who is going to help you? No one. Who cares? No one. 

You did your best, you tried, and you put up a good fight. You were out sick with the suriv. And during that week they moved up the m@ndat0ry eniccav date. They changed the paramaters again, now you need to have 3 $hot$, now you're not ylluf detaniccav until 2 weeks after your last. And there was nothing you could have done about it, because you were out sick with Divoc. You filed for an exemption, and you still went and got the tosh, while infected with Divoc - to be safe. Because after all, you're a single parent, and you want your son to remember his years in the house he grew up in, that you constantly fear losing, and so you went and did the thing. Sure, it was against your will, but you thought more of your son, your dogs, and your home.

You try to skim over the reality that you were forced to obtain a $hot$ in exchange for a paycheck. You try not to think of whether or not you should have accepted the job one year ago in the first place. After all, would you be in this position if you hadn't? If you didn't let them scare you into accepting their offer? "We might be getting rid of all consultants because of Divoc, do you want to accept our offer as a Full Time Employee or not?" Would you be here if you said no?

You become frustrated because you know that your body is having an adverse reaction to both the eniccav and divoc, and you don't know whether or not you are going to make it. You start to rabbit hole. What will happen to my son? The shortness of breath, it's frustrating. Part of you just wants it to be over so you can catch your fucking breath. The other, more logical part, knows that this too, shall pass. 

It's time to move. Get out of the kitchen. Go outside and stand in the crispy winter air. Watch the birds fly above, wonder where they are headed for the season. Acknowledge your frost bitten fingertips. Uncomfortable, they remind you that you're still here. Look at the swaying pine trees, and take a moment to be grateful for what you see. Stop, and remind yourself, who the fuck you are. Stop, and think of what you've gone through, and how you survived it. Pray if you need to. Affirm if you need to. Affirm, "I am strength, I am tenacity, I am good, I am a survivor." 

Finally, you remembered who the fuck you are. And you stop, and think to yourself, if I can survive this shit, I can survive anything. 

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About The Author: Ashley J. Oliver is a Public Speaker, Author, Podcast Host, Cybersecurity Consultant, and Teacher in Upstate, NY. She is founder of Oliver COM Solutions, d/b/a, and she is now pursuing endeavors in Humanitarianism and Philanthropy.