Skip to main content

My heart hurt so bad when my son asked me if the phone was broken

It is so aggravating to be awake all night, and be tired. I don't understand it. I wish and pray and hope that it will some day go away and I will sleep again. It's been 4 years. When my son was born in 2016, my life was forever changed. I still remember setting my alarm every 3 hours to sleep on the 8th floor of the maternity wing, while my newborn slept 2 floors up in the NICU. This wasn't how I pictured it would be, but I guess I never pictured it at all, I just went with it. I knew I would divorce my ex-husband, for many reasons, starting with leaving me there alone. 

I remember the first few nights, that turned into weeks, then months, and now years. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking "how could he just leave us here?" I remember when I lost my job a year later, after pausing my consultancy to become a "good" employee. I still remember when the NYSEG man came to shut off my electric and gas. I remember feeling very alone. I remember almost getting into an accident because my son wanted to talk to his dad on the phone at age 3, and his dad hung up on him because I spoke. My heart hurt so bad when my son asked me if the phone was broken. 

I remember all of the things that broke my heart. And looking forward, I remember how I rebuilt my business, kicked ass, took names, and shut it down. I remember taking my son to the lake on sunny summer days, and many countless nights spent out in our side yard watching the sunset, camping, watching him learn how to ride his four wheeler. I remember giving orders to my staff. I remember figuring out everything. I remember how great it felt to be able to afford his swing set. After spending the year before with barely two nickels to rub together to buy milk. 

A lot of people who know who I am, think I do not know suffering. I do know suffering, and I deal with it well. However, I wish that there would come a day where I can sleep peacefully again, knowing everything will work itself out, it always does. I wish that I won't spend the rest of my life alone, without a partner, and I know better than to wish for these things, but I'm human.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

So in good news there was a New Moon last night! Which perfectly aligns with what I want from the universe going forward. I have everything I need in my life except for one thing, I'm ready to receive it. Better yet, according to a YouTube video I watched yesterday - everything we do 3 days before and 3 days after the New Moon will set the tone for the future. How ironic is it that this falls right within alignment of my Text-Messaging detox. To sum it up, I hate texting, as I mention below. I like this break from it so much that I don't know if I'll ever willingly go back to it. I'm very busy with other things. I realized that freeing myself from my phone/texts actually gives me more time during the day to get shit done and less time to spend freaking out about not having enough time. The texting is a distraction - even if I'm using it to make business plans. I don't know why it's only texting for me, not social media, not email, nothing but texts. Anyway...
1 comment
Read more

Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back

Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back. How? Control the things you can control. M y ex had me going insane. Constantly cancelling on his visitations with our son, cherry picking when he would see him, etc. And people at work kept pinging me asking ‘When.’ I had orders coming in for Amazon because I bought them when I was feeling anxious, but when they got to the house I became even more anxious because I forgot why I bought them. I haven’t made enough time in my day to sit down and go through my to-do list. This makes me crazy. I would end up with a million items on the list, but never mark them complete. I was so anxious at the lake that I couldn’t feel my legs, I collapsed.    There were external factors- the ragweed in the air fucks with my allergies. I only feel this way in September . I feel like I Can’t breathe – I took the Benadryl to...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Beheaded Goddess

It's March 2020. I've not posted on here since September of last year. Needless to say, after reviewing my last post, 3/4 of that spew actually happened. Maybe I do have patience . As a stubborn and impatient Sagittarius - I find it a little bit difficult to wait for what I want, especially considering my literal daily efforts. Not a day goes by that I don't work on my craft. The same goes for living a spiritual life while balancing day to day business matters. I always give in to the voice in my head that tells me to offer the man on the street food, or to leave a dollar at the toll for the next person. It's really interesting when I behave this way especially on days where I am tested - to say the least. I've learned to walk like I have 1,000 little children behind me, following in my footsteps, learning from me. I have a responsibility, and it's very important to me that I walk the same way that I talk. Meanwhile I am thinking about posting more here about ...
1 comment
Read more