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My heart hurt so bad when my son asked me if the phone was broken

It is so aggravating to be awake all night, and be tired. I don't understand it. I wish and pray and hope that it will some day go away and I will sleep again. It's been 4 years. When my son was born in 2016, my life was forever changed. I still remember setting my alarm every 3 hours to sleep on the 8th floor of the maternity wing, while my newborn slept 2 floors up in the NICU. This wasn't how I pictured it would be, but I guess I never pictured it at all, I just went with it. I knew I would divorce my ex-husband, for many reasons, starting with leaving me there alone. 

I remember the first few nights, that turned into weeks, then months, and now years. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking "how could he just leave us here?" I remember when I lost my job a year later, after pausing my consultancy to become a "good" employee. I still remember when the NYSEG man came to shut off my electric and gas. I remember feeling very alone. I remember almost getting into an accident because my son wanted to talk to his dad on the phone at age 3, and his dad hung up on him because I spoke. My heart hurt so bad when my son asked me if the phone was broken. 

I remember all of the things that broke my heart. And looking forward, I remember how I rebuilt my business, kicked ass, took names, and shut it down. I remember taking my son to the lake on sunny summer days, and many countless nights spent out in our side yard watching the sunset, camping, watching him learn how to ride his four wheeler. I remember giving orders to my staff. I remember figuring out everything. I remember how great it felt to be able to afford his swing set. After spending the year before with barely two nickels to rub together to buy milk. 

A lot of people who know who I am, think I do not know suffering. I do know suffering, and I deal with it well. However, I wish that there would come a day where I can sleep peacefully again, knowing everything will work itself out, it always does. I wish that I won't spend the rest of my life alone, without a partner, and I know better than to wish for these things, but I'm human.

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