The Writings on the Wall

As I sit here with my perfect mocha-colored coffee in my Boss B*tch mug, catching up on emails from the previous week which I've spent networking and leveling up for my new career as a Public Speaker, I can't help but think how sad I am. I thought this would go away, but it feels like something is missing. Still recovering from my breakup, but it's not even about him. It's something deeper. I don't know what it is, and nothing drives me crazier than not knowing something.  I walked my son to school this morning under the golden sun. I noticed how it kissed the green leaves of the trees and bushes. My son asked repeatedly why we had to walk, uninterested in my explanation about how nature heals us and walking is good for the body. I watched the other moms & dads drop off their kids and start their day. Everyone here is kind. Ironically, moving to a small town in the middle of nowhere after growing up in the suburbs, I find that I feel safe here. I really missed h...

It is so aggravating to be awake all night, and be tired. I don't understand it. I wish and pray and hope that it will some day go away and I will sleep again. It's been 4 years. When my son was born in 2016, my life was forever changed. I still remember setting my alarm every 3 hours to sleep on the 8th floor of the maternity wing, while my newborn slept 2 floors up in the NICU. This wasn't how I pictured it would be, but I guess I never pictured it at all, I just went with it. I knew I would divorce my ex-husband, for many reasons, starting with leaving me there alone.  I remember the first few nights, that turned into weeks, then months, and now years. I remember crying myself to sleep thinking "how could he just leave us here?" I remember when I lost my job a year later, after pausing my consultancy to become a "good" employee. I still remember when the NYSEG man came to shut off my electric and gas. I remember feeling very alone. I remember almost g...