The Writings on the Wall

Anxiety is what happens when you feel like you've lost control of everything; but that’s only a feeling, and you can make it go away by taking that control back. How? Control the things you can control. M y ex had me going insane. Constantly cancelling on his visitations with our son, cherry picking when he would see him, etc. And people at work kept pinging me asking ‘When.’ I had orders coming in for Amazon because I bought them when I was feeling anxious, but when they got to the house I became even more anxious because I forgot why I bought them. I haven’t made enough time in my day to sit down and go through my to-do list. This makes me crazy. I would end up with a million items on the list, but never mark them complete. I was so anxious at the lake that I couldn’t feel my legs, I collapsed.    There were external factors- the ragweed in the air fucks with my allergies. I only feel this way in September . I feel like I Can’t breathe – I took the Benadryl to...

  Smoking, Being Alone, and Being Brilliant – Why it’s challenging for me to Quit Always be vigilant in your consistency. For instance, I spent my holiday morning (quiet I may add since my son is out of the house), researching information on insults. I expect everything that I do to be of a certain stature; and as such I will continue to uphold the highest quality delivery that I can possibly commit to. (COMMIT is a SQL term too I like to relate my life’s work with my other life’s work, it’s a thing I do). I like smoking because it is a mild form of escape of the prison that my mind was living in. The action of lighting up a cigarette in the crisp night air, under the stars (star gazing is one of my favorite past-times). I would step outside, music playing on my headset, something smooth, stare up at the stars, and light one up. Smiling usually, because I feel like an Adult-Child that is misbehaving while only being acknowledged by the great spirit of my ancestors above, bu...