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The Energy Dichotomy

Honoring your truth is one of the most liberating and challenging thing you can do for yourself. Throughout this past summer I have struggled the most. Adversity has always been my strong suit. However, I've been hit with a massive amount of tumultuous affairs which require me to do nothing but face the music. I've had to face my fear. I know what terrifies me, and I keep it to myself, trying to find other ways to cope. The truth is - my truth is, that I love so much. I love all things, children, people, life, nature, luxury, material things, and more. With that love comes the challenge of being more sensitive than most people. I love my work, but I've been tempted to pursue opportunities that I knew in my heart weren't really what I wanted to do. So I've acted out of fear, allowing myself to pursue the opportunities hoping it would change my direction. And it did, but not in the way I imagined. It reminded me that I know deep within my heart that I was meant to do more.

I knew that I was supposed to start a business, that my engineering talent would keep me in the technical aptitude that I needed, and my business mind would match that. I've tried to accept other work, but there was always the voice there that said "why are you doing this?" I've been rejected because of my big dreams. My dreams - to own and operate a Fortune 500 company, have been challenged. When I've spoken to my counterparts about this dream, I can sense their hesitation. Something that I am learning is a result of their own fears.

But in remembering my truth, that I once said "some day you will need to contact my assistant to get to me." I've had several assistants. I've made well over 6 figures. And sadly for me, not everyone is going to like that. My question to myself is how can I channel that energy? Avoiding reality and seeing the good in everyone doesn't really make the negative feelings go away, it actually just makes me more sad, and sadness hits me very hard.

When I am hurt, I am sad. I wonder why I give so much and the giving is met with rejection, betrayal, dishonesty. When I tell the truth, I am scorned. But I can literally do nothing but tell the truth. I've always told the truth. In fact, I couldn't tell a lie even if I tried. My delivery has changed, but I still feel that standing in my truth is part of my existence.

The unfortunate series of events that lead me to where I am today have really pushed me to change. To look deep within myself and identify what my triggers are, and how to deal with them. You don't need to like it, it won't change me. I knew I would become an engineer, despite several obvious adversities against me. There is something beautiful in the knowing. I know that I can achieve whatever I set my sights on. It is okay that I'm intelligent, beautiful, love, and human. I would rather remain this way than revert into the past life money driven dog eat dog business person I was. My work, and my dreams are a result of my truest desire - to protect. 

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